Geoff and I were on the phone last night and we filled out this Scientology questionare together. I can't honestly say which of us came up with what part, and there is a second section I'll post tomorrow.
• Have you ever used criminality as a means of control of a population?
Is it a crime to fart in Howard Johnsons? If so, then yes.
• Have you ever made sanity appear to be psychotic?
Its one of the things I do best.
• Have you ever been a psychiatrist?
No, but why do people keep asking me that?
• Have you ever depopulated an area?
Yes, once in a Howard Johnsons.
• Have you ever deprived another of a livelihood?
Well, I wouldn’t call it her livelihood but I did once turn the fire hoses onto the stage of a lesbian poetry slam, which pretty much shut down the young poet rapping about her “clam”. I was cheered.
• Have you ever given God a bad name?
Only when I make prank calls in his name
• Have you ever been a corrupt priest?
I’m a minister, not a priest.
• Have you ever given spirits an evil reputation?
Yes, but no one seems to stop paying up, so its all good.
• Have you ever been an evil spirit?
Evil genius, yes, evil spirit … well… I have to say no although I do spread a “stench of evil” (as the Amish have taken to calling it). I don’t think that counts though.
• Have you ever sought to convince others that things were evil?
Yes, such things include: Pauly Shore movies, and Scientology
• Have you ever taught others that nothing can be done?
No, but I lead by example, hopefully someone will catch on.
• Have you ever tried to convince others that knowing is bad? That perceiving is bad? That sensation is bad?
Yes, usually when I give them bad news, I always end it with “now would be better off not knowing this?”
• Have you ever deliberately caused a sane person to be committed to a mental institution?
Oh Mom, stop telling the nurses that or it’s more ECT for you!
• Have you ever performed unnecessary surgery on someone's body?
Yes, but just to get to the candy center.
• Have you ever tried to convince others that things are bad? That there are bad beingnesses? That it is bad to do things?
beingesses? Isn’t that Gollum’s name for the Baggins clan? I don’t need to teach them things are bad, I have a much subtler trick. I teach them to read.
• Have you ever mocked another's ability?
I’d hardly call “being the best powerpoint deck maker in FSG” an “ability” so much as a cause for deep, deep shame.
• Have you ever mocked another's knowingness?
Knowingness?? Where the hell are you getting these words? Keep in mind stupidity can’t be copyrighted.
• Have you ever mocked another's creativeness?
Do you mean creativity? You should maybe increase your wordknowingness, or maybe your proofreadingness.
• Have you ever applied a hot iron to another person's body?
Only for money. And that one time for a donut.
• Have you ever tortured another with electrical, or electronic, devices?
MP3 of Shatner singing “Rocketman”, does that count?
• Have you ever attacked others for causing effects that you secretly knew were beneficial, or helpful?
I work for Microsoft, that’s in my job description.
• Have you ever deliberately caused others to feel less responsible?
No, usually I’m the cause for more responsibility
• Have you ever starved anyone to death?
No, I usually fatten them up, then send hungry dogs after them.
• Have you ever left anyone to die of thirst?
No he had water, now if only he had the will to unbury the rest of his body to get it.
• Have you ever misestimated an effort?
Misestimated??? Holy shit, do you have your own language or something over there? Yes, I have. I am filled with misestimatedness.
• Have you ever misjudged another?
My judgements are always correct regardless of the turnout.
• Have you ever failed to save someone from drowning?
Technically, when there is that much vomit involved, it’s suffocation.
• Have you ever knowingly sponsored a swindle?
Umm.. Microsoft, remember?
• Have you ever failed another?
another what? Are you asking me if I am imbued with failedness?
• Have you ever retreated from an area where you should have stayed, or advanced?
I was once chased from a Howard Johnsons by a bunch of angry Amish on “All You Can Eat Chili Day”. That was a kind of retreat because I was still hungry.
• Have you ever made nothing of a worthy person? Of a group? Of a universe? Of a spirit?
It’s impossible to make nothing.
• Have you ever broken someone's body on a wheel?
Not on a wheel, no, but under several wheels, yes. With Aquatreads™.
• Have you ever stretched another's body on a rack?
No, but I did try to stretch some silly putty on a spice rack once, does that count?
• Have you ever put a criminal in a position of trust?
No, I vote generally for democrats.
• Have you ever sold people on the idea that people are basically wicked?
Yes, we meet every Friday.
• Have you ever boiled someone's living body in oil?
Yes, and with viniger! She was an epilleptic and we were tryiing to make somethign called "Seizure Salad". I don't think we got it right though...
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes, ever heard of the Giraffeabear? Thought not, you know why…yo.
• Have you ever let your past triumphs discourage you about your future?
no I use them to enforce the fact that I am incredibly awesome.
• Have you ever flayed anyone alive?
No, all my flayings have been on dead people
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Its more of a side-business, but I dabble.
• Have you ever done a bad thing to win approval?
Only from the cool kids.
• Have you ever been a dishonest policeman?
maybe in a past life, which would explain why I’m so good at beating people with a nightstick
• Have you ever run a brothel?
Run? No. Play landlord to, yes!
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
I did, but I dumped it in the river shortly after finding out.
• Have you ever produced a bastard?
Is a "bastard" a kind of fart? If so, then yes, probably.
• Have you employed poison gas against life forms?
I am not allowed to return to any Howard Johnson’s in North America for the rest of my natural life or my bail monies would be forfeit. And besides, the chili there wasn’t *that* good.
.
• Have you ever taught that it was bad for people to have things?
Yes, especially when I want them to give them to me.
• Have you ever made a body disappear?
Depends, you need one to?
• Have you ever desecrated burial places?
No, better play it safe in case the zombies rise and attack.
• Have you ever denied anyone a desired beingness?
Oh here we go again with the made up words…
• Have you ever caused another being to create against his own wishes or interests?
Well there is that sweatshop I own, but if they didn’t want to be there, then why are they chained to the tables?
• Have you ever created an affect for which there was no apparent cause?
Every single one of my effects have cause
• Have you ever interiorized a being into a machine?
I called him Sir Jeeves, and he was my butler. Before that he was a construction worker or something
Friday, July 01, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Chase Haley, Master Astronomer
I am in awe of the comedic talent that is Jay Pinkerton.
This is fucking brilliant*.
*disclaimer: I may, in fact, be quite drunk and tomorrow this may or may not actually meet the full bore definition of "fucking brilliant", although I assume it will, most assuredly, meet the definition of "brilliant" or at least "quite clever really".
This is fucking brilliant*.
*disclaimer: I may, in fact, be quite drunk and tomorrow this may or may not actually meet the full bore definition of "fucking brilliant", although I assume it will, most assuredly, meet the definition of "brilliant" or at least "quite clever really".
i demand that you blog toothpaste for dinner.
and because we're all about the customer suppoer here at TirionGFX, I obey.
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/032705/how-fast-am-i-going.gif
It' really very amsuing in a Steven Wright kind of way.
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/032705/how-fast-am-i-going.gif
It' really very amsuing in a Steven Wright kind of way.
Persuasion, Spot On
Orin Kerr at Volokh posts an excellent article on tone and persuasion (one that I ought to keep in mind from time to time). The art of persuasion is often a subtle one and people who are really good at it are more often in the mode of diplomats than that of preachers. Unfortunately it's easier to preach to the converted than to persuade the undecided.
Finally, I think lots of people interpret a dismissive tone as a sign of weakness. It's a variation of the old lawyer's joke that if the law is against you, pound the facts; if the facts are against you, pound the law; and if the law and facts are against you, pound the table. When readers see a blogger pounding the table, many are likely to assume that there must not be a very good argument to be made in support of that view. "If it's so obvious that you're right," the thinking goes, "Why not just explain why?"
As my friends know, my opinons are subject to periodic re-evaluation and occasional change, which I think is typical of most people who can think for themselves. An argument which recognizes and deals with this is more effective than one which is merely threatening or insulting. I'm adding Orin's article into my book research.
Finally, I think lots of people interpret a dismissive tone as a sign of weakness. It's a variation of the old lawyer's joke that if the law is against you, pound the facts; if the facts are against you, pound the law; and if the law and facts are against you, pound the table. When readers see a blogger pounding the table, many are likely to assume that there must not be a very good argument to be made in support of that view. "If it's so obvious that you're right," the thinking goes, "Why not just explain why?"
As my friends know, my opinons are subject to periodic re-evaluation and occasional change, which I think is typical of most people who can think for themselves. An argument which recognizes and deals with this is more effective than one which is merely threatening or insulting. I'm adding Orin's article into my book research.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The Pope's Message From Hell
If you're not a Cathloic, but a Christinan, this would be a valid viewpoint. Aslo, you would have to be nucking fut.
John Paul II assured his followers that Hell isn’t nearly as bad as he frequently preached it to be. “First, I strongly encourage you to stop fawning all over me or those plaster busts of my head, as though I was some sort of ‘idol,’” the Pope’s message said. “I learned the hard way that my countless prayers to Mary and the various saints (particularly Anthony, to help me find all those keys my shaking hands kept dropping) really irritated God, who was apparently serious about those prohibitions on idolatry in the Old Testament. And Jesus, who testified at my brief trial at the Pearly Gates, was obviously not happy that his mother got so much deferential attention from my millions of followers.
John Paul II assured his followers that Hell isn’t nearly as bad as he frequently preached it to be. “First, I strongly encourage you to stop fawning all over me or those plaster busts of my head, as though I was some sort of ‘idol,’” the Pope’s message said. “I learned the hard way that my countless prayers to Mary and the various saints (particularly Anthony, to help me find all those keys my shaking hands kept dropping) really irritated God, who was apparently serious about those prohibitions on idolatry in the Old Testament. And Jesus, who testified at my brief trial at the Pearly Gates, was obviously not happy that his mother got so much deferential attention from my millions of followers.
Too Cheap to Measure
Fusion is only 20 years away... and has been for my entire lifetime. Although now the French are on the case so it will be electricity everywhere or at least wine too cheap to measure.
Robot Chicken
Mentioned over on SciFi Weekly
Robot Chicken is a quarter-hour series consisting of brief, animated satiric vignettes, many voiced by well-known actors such as Meyer. Meyer and Green worked together in both Josie and the Pussycats and Can't Hardly Wait, which were co-directed by Meyer's wife, Deborah Kaplan. Green and Meyer were also in Rat Race, where Green discovered Meyer's wry sense of humor. Meyer is joining the writing team of Robot Chicken in its second season. "The show doesn't have a robot or a chicken, but we're having a great time making fun of everything we can make fun of," Meyer said. "We're getting away with a lot."
Robot Chicken spoofs supervillains and washed-up TV personalities and pokes fun at everything from Quentin Tarantino movies to Star Trek. Meyer is a common voice on the show, having appeared in half a dozen episodes. Guest voices have included Macaulay Culkin, Burt Reynolds, Mark Hamill, Scarlett Johannson, Ryan Seacrest, Ashton Kutcher, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matthew Lillard and Ming-Na.
Robot Chicken is a quarter-hour series consisting of brief, animated satiric vignettes, many voiced by well-known actors such as Meyer. Meyer and Green worked together in both Josie and the Pussycats and Can't Hardly Wait, which were co-directed by Meyer's wife, Deborah Kaplan. Green and Meyer were also in Rat Race, where Green discovered Meyer's wry sense of humor. Meyer is joining the writing team of Robot Chicken in its second season. "The show doesn't have a robot or a chicken, but we're having a great time making fun of everything we can make fun of," Meyer said. "We're getting away with a lot."
Robot Chicken spoofs supervillains and washed-up TV personalities and pokes fun at everything from Quentin Tarantino movies to Star Trek. Meyer is a common voice on the show, having appeared in half a dozen episodes. Guest voices have included Macaulay Culkin, Burt Reynolds, Mark Hamill, Scarlett Johannson, Ryan Seacrest, Ashton Kutcher, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matthew Lillard and Ming-Na.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Robot Dick To Appear At Con
From this week's SciFi Weekly
An interactive android embodiment of SF author Philip K. Dick will be demonstrated at Wired magazine's upcoming NextFest in Chicago June 25-27, organizers announced. The robot, based on the late author of the works which inspired the films Blade Runner, Minority Report, Total Recall and the upcoming A Scanner Darkly, was created as a joint collaboration between Hanson Robotics, the FedEx Institute of Technology's Institute for Intelligent Systems and the Automation and Robotics Research Institute. The designers worked closely with Paul Williams, a close friend and former literary executor of the author, to create a lifelike robotic portrait that will be a powerful memorial to Dick and his work, which often featured themes of artificial intelligence and robots with human characteristics. Programmed to portray Dick in both form and intellect, the robot will be featured in a booth designed as a 1970s apartment where the public can enter and interact with it. It is designed to automatically generate dialogue specifically tailored to the current conversation. Through cameras in its eyes, the robot will be able to track faces, perceive facial expressions, and recognize specific people in the crowd. Detailed information about the PKD project and the upcoming installation is available on Hanson Robotics' Web site.
Why? What did you think it meant?
An interactive android embodiment of SF author Philip K. Dick will be demonstrated at Wired magazine's upcoming NextFest in Chicago June 25-27, organizers announced. The robot, based on the late author of the works which inspired the films Blade Runner, Minority Report, Total Recall and the upcoming A Scanner Darkly, was created as a joint collaboration between Hanson Robotics, the FedEx Institute of Technology's Institute for Intelligent Systems and the Automation and Robotics Research Institute. The designers worked closely with Paul Williams, a close friend and former literary executor of the author, to create a lifelike robotic portrait that will be a powerful memorial to Dick and his work, which often featured themes of artificial intelligence and robots with human characteristics. Programmed to portray Dick in both form and intellect, the robot will be featured in a booth designed as a 1970s apartment where the public can enter and interact with it. It is designed to automatically generate dialogue specifically tailored to the current conversation. Through cameras in its eyes, the robot will be able to track faces, perceive facial expressions, and recognize specific people in the crowd. Detailed information about the PKD project and the upcoming installation is available on Hanson Robotics' Web site.
Why? What did you think it meant?
The Hawking Conjecture
A mish-mash article over at the NYT mostly misses the point about time travel. It's a sort of "kitchen sink" catch up of terms modern physicists use loosely strung together by linking verbs. Not impressive.
Had Dennis Overbye wanted to impress, he might have written a little about Chaos theory, time travel and the very distrubing implication that there is actually no free will, only our ignorance of which particular timeline we are in to keep us from going insane.
Most of us anyway.
Had Dennis Overbye wanted to impress, he might have written a little about Chaos theory, time travel and the very distrubing implication that there is actually no free will, only our ignorance of which particular timeline we are in to keep us from going insane.
Most of us anyway.
Not Just the Army
An interesting Op-Ed piece on the middle class of the Army and why they seem to be struggling. Well, to be honest, it only explains it if you buy the premise that the current Army is like the one in 1969, which, I kind of don't. It' an opinion piece so the bar for supporting facts is low, but I have to say I don' t know that it meets even that. On the other hand, there is a pretty good quote I like:
The mistake the Army made then is the same mistake it is making now: how can you educate a group of handpicked students at one of the best universities in the world and then treat them as if they are too stupid to know when they have been told a lie?
which, I submit, applies not only to the members of West Point, but to the rest of us as well.
The mistake the Army made then is the same mistake it is making now: how can you educate a group of handpicked students at one of the best universities in the world and then treat them as if they are too stupid to know when they have been told a lie?
which, I submit, applies not only to the members of West Point, but to the rest of us as well.
Friday, June 24, 2005
A post in which I (grudingly) spot Thomas' backbone
In the interests of intellectual honesty, I must admit, I agree with minority opinion holder Thomas on the Kelo decision .
Monday, June 20, 2005
Stem Cells and Chruch and State
Way to go Mario. Nicely said.
To extricate himself from an untenable position, the president should start by following the successful pattern established in other areas of dealing with the clash of religious and political questions, including the law concerning abortion. The right of true believers to live by their own religious beliefs will be guaranteed: no one will be compelled to use stem cell research or its products, just as no one will ever be compelled to have an abortion. And the nation will respect the right of believers to advocate for changes in our civil law that correspond with their own view of morality.
But our pluralistic political system adopts rights that arise out of consensus, not the dictates of religious orthodoxy; and if such rights are adopted - approving abortions or financing stem cell research on leftover embryos - they will be the law of the land, even if religious dissenters, through their tax dollars, end up helping to pay for things that they find anathema. Every day Americans who abhor the death penalty, contraceptives, abortions and war are required to pay taxes used in part for purposes they consider offensive. That is part of the price we pay for this uniquely successful democracy.
Mario is beating an interesting drum here: There are few half-measures in religion. Either you believe or you don't but you can't really plot a course the same way you do in politics. That's a good reason why Chruch and State need to be seperate. Religion allows for few compromises.
To extricate himself from an untenable position, the president should start by following the successful pattern established in other areas of dealing with the clash of religious and political questions, including the law concerning abortion. The right of true believers to live by their own religious beliefs will be guaranteed: no one will be compelled to use stem cell research or its products, just as no one will ever be compelled to have an abortion. And the nation will respect the right of believers to advocate for changes in our civil law that correspond with their own view of morality.
But our pluralistic political system adopts rights that arise out of consensus, not the dictates of religious orthodoxy; and if such rights are adopted - approving abortions or financing stem cell research on leftover embryos - they will be the law of the land, even if religious dissenters, through their tax dollars, end up helping to pay for things that they find anathema. Every day Americans who abhor the death penalty, contraceptives, abortions and war are required to pay taxes used in part for purposes they consider offensive. That is part of the price we pay for this uniquely successful democracy.
Mario is beating an interesting drum here: There are few half-measures in religion. Either you believe or you don't but you can't really plot a course the same way you do in politics. That's a good reason why Chruch and State need to be seperate. Religion allows for few compromises.
Blogging on the Run
One of the nice things about mving to blog spot (and there have been a mix of good and bad things so far), is that I get to blog when I'm on the road. Now I just need to find the time to add entries...
I'm in NY this week at the Securities Industry Association conference where I am co-hosting the MSFT booth.
I'm in NY this week at the Securities Industry Association conference where I am co-hosting the MSFT booth.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Brains.. Brains....
An interesting look at the sex differences of brains, a subject of long time fascination and relevance to me these days. Yes, it seems the stuff they thought in the late 70's and 80's seems to be true.
She began by studying the corpus callosum, the cable of nerves that channels all communication and cooperation between the brains two hemispheres.
Examining tissue samples through a microscope, she discovered that the more left-handed a person was, the bigger the corpus callosum.
To her surprise, however, she found that this held true only for men. Among women there was no difference between right-handers and left-handers.
"Once you find this one difference," she remembered thinking, "it implies that there will be a cascade of differences."
As she systematically analyzed the brains in her refrigerator, she discovered that other neural structures seemed larger or smaller among men, depending on whether the man had been right-handed or left-handed.
Interesting.
Speaking of brains, I've discovered a recent flaw in mine which I attribute to the brain worms. I can't really remember people's names anymore. Not just new people I meet, I've never been good at that and now it's hopeless. I mean people I have known for years. I recognize them, have a full set of memories etc., I just often use the wrong name or dont' remember the name at all. It's very weird.
So, if I'm talking to you and I don't use your name, that's probably why.
She began by studying the corpus callosum, the cable of nerves that channels all communication and cooperation between the brains two hemispheres.
Examining tissue samples through a microscope, she discovered that the more left-handed a person was, the bigger the corpus callosum.
To her surprise, however, she found that this held true only for men. Among women there was no difference between right-handers and left-handers.
"Once you find this one difference," she remembered thinking, "it implies that there will be a cascade of differences."
As she systematically analyzed the brains in her refrigerator, she discovered that other neural structures seemed larger or smaller among men, depending on whether the man had been right-handed or left-handed.
Interesting.
Speaking of brains, I've discovered a recent flaw in mine which I attribute to the brain worms. I can't really remember people's names anymore. Not just new people I meet, I've never been good at that and now it's hopeless. I mean people I have known for years. I recognize them, have a full set of memories etc., I just often use the wrong name or dont' remember the name at all. It's very weird.
So, if I'm talking to you and I don't use your name, that's probably why.
Republicans_I_Like++
In the NYTimes. Danforth is now on my list. Too bad he's not actually in the Senate.
Moderate Christians are less certain about when and how our beliefs can be translated into statutory form, not because of a lack of faith in God but because of a healthy acknowledgement of the limitations of human beings. Like conservative Christians, we attend church, read the Bible and say our prayers.
But for us, the only absolute standard of behavior is the commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves. Repeatedly in the Gospels, we find that the Love Commandment takes precedence when it conflicts with laws. We struggle to follow that commandment as we face the realities of everyday living, and we do not agree that our responsibility to live as Christians can be codified by legislators.
When, on television, we see a person in a persistent vegetative state, one who will never recover, we believe that allowing the natural and merciful end to her ordeal is more loving than imposing government power to keep her hooked up to a feeding tube.
When we see an opportunity to save our neighbors' lives through stem cell research, we believe that it is our duty to pursue that research, and to oppose legislation that would impede us from doing so.
We think that efforts to haul references of God into the public square, into schools and courthouses, are far more apt to divide Americans than to advance faith.
Following a Lord who reached out in compassion to all human beings, we oppose amending the Constitution in a way that would humiliate homosexuals.
For us, living the Love Commandment may be at odds with efforts to encapsulate Christianity in a political agenda. We strongly support the separation of church and state, both because that principle is essential to holding together a diverse country, and because the policies of the state always fall short of the demands of faith. Aware that even our most passionate ventures into politics are efforts to carry the treasure of religion in the earthen vessel of government, we proceed in a spirit of humility lacking in our conservative colleagues.
Moderate Christians are less certain about when and how our beliefs can be translated into statutory form, not because of a lack of faith in God but because of a healthy acknowledgement of the limitations of human beings. Like conservative Christians, we attend church, read the Bible and say our prayers.
But for us, the only absolute standard of behavior is the commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves. Repeatedly in the Gospels, we find that the Love Commandment takes precedence when it conflicts with laws. We struggle to follow that commandment as we face the realities of everyday living, and we do not agree that our responsibility to live as Christians can be codified by legislators.
When, on television, we see a person in a persistent vegetative state, one who will never recover, we believe that allowing the natural and merciful end to her ordeal is more loving than imposing government power to keep her hooked up to a feeding tube.
When we see an opportunity to save our neighbors' lives through stem cell research, we believe that it is our duty to pursue that research, and to oppose legislation that would impede us from doing so.
We think that efforts to haul references of God into the public square, into schools and courthouses, are far more apt to divide Americans than to advance faith.
Following a Lord who reached out in compassion to all human beings, we oppose amending the Constitution in a way that would humiliate homosexuals.
For us, living the Love Commandment may be at odds with efforts to encapsulate Christianity in a political agenda. We strongly support the separation of church and state, both because that principle is essential to holding together a diverse country, and because the policies of the state always fall short of the demands of faith. Aware that even our most passionate ventures into politics are efforts to carry the treasure of religion in the earthen vessel of government, we proceed in a spirit of humility lacking in our conservative colleagues.
Enough's enough
What is it with Jeb Bush and Terri Schiavo? Now he wants to go after Terri's husband, 15 years later?
"It's a significant question that during this entire ordeal was never brought up," Governor Bush told reporters in Tallahassee after faxing a letter to Bernie McCabe, the state attorney in Pinellas County, where Ms. Schiavo suffered extreme brain damage when her heart temporarily stopped beating in 1990.
In a statement on Friday, Ms. Schiavo's husband, Michael, called Governor Bush's actions "sickening" and said he had called 911 promptly.
The governor's letter could further prolong an exhaustively fought case that even many of his fellow Republicans said it was time to close after the autopsy found no evidence of foul play in Ms. Schiavo's collapse nor any sign that further treatment would have restored the functions of her withered brain.
I think he just can't admit he's wrong. This seems to be a common failing in the Bush clan.
"It's a significant question that during this entire ordeal was never brought up," Governor Bush told reporters in Tallahassee after faxing a letter to Bernie McCabe, the state attorney in Pinellas County, where Ms. Schiavo suffered extreme brain damage when her heart temporarily stopped beating in 1990.
In a statement on Friday, Ms. Schiavo's husband, Michael, called Governor Bush's actions "sickening" and said he had called 911 promptly.
The governor's letter could further prolong an exhaustively fought case that even many of his fellow Republicans said it was time to close after the autopsy found no evidence of foul play in Ms. Schiavo's collapse nor any sign that further treatment would have restored the functions of her withered brain.
I think he just can't admit he's wrong. This seems to be a common failing in the Bush clan.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Corn
An epic tale of rebirth
Mark: “?? I haven’t had corn in days, have I ???”
Cut back to 24 hours earlier
I have a big mouth that, one day soon, will be the end of me. To wit, I am in a German biergarten in the 1500-year-old city of Speyer. A beautiful city on the Rhine filled with history, architecture and well, German biegartens. I’m enjoying a wonderful pint of home brewed beer, interesting conversation, and it comes time to order some food. I brag that I always like to try a local dish when I am traveling. As always, the Imp of the Perverse hears me and prompts my hosts to say, “oh, well we have a wonderful regional dish that I think you’ll really enjoy. It’s called saumagen, and it’s delicious!”. Now I know that 98.8% of all German food is either sausages or chocolate (although I have yet to run into chocolate sausages…). Germans can make sausages out of anything; pigs, cows, lambs, chickens, ducks, bugs, apples, small churches etc. If Noah had it on the ark, the Germans later found it and ground it up for sausage. Fortunately, I can choke down almost any kind of sausage or sausage-related meat by product and feel pretty confident that I can handle this “saumagen” thing. “Is it a sausage?” I ask. “No,” comes the highly unexpected reply. “It is, how you say, a pan”. A pan??? Did they find some way of actually incorporating cookware into sausage form? My host makes a couple of signs with his hands and asks his companion, “How do you say aufgerfucked?” (He didn’t really say aufgerfucked, he said something else in German I didn’t catch/know. Aufgerfucked is, however, a more accurate term in my opinion”) “Patty”, came the reply. “Yes!, it is a patty”. Oh, okay, I think. I can eat a sausage patty. If Jimmy Dean can make them, I can eat them. When it comes time to order, I confidently tell the waitress, “Saumagen”. She looks incredulously at my hosts, who nod appreciatively and also order it. She looks back at me, clearly impressed. I suddenly realize I am in deep deep shit here. Impressing the waitress is *never* good.
2 beers and 20 minutes later, a steaming plate of saumagen and sauerkraut arrive. The ‘kraut is standard but good. As a youth with a polish grandmother, I have downed more cabbage products than any two Irishmen and more than most VFW fundraisers. Fine. Onto the saumagen. The disk of meat is about the size of my head and deeply pan fried. It looks pretty much like a Frisbee of fried meat-vomit, but not as appetizing. I cut off a piece, smile and pop it in my mouth. Chew, smile nod, chew smile nod as I look a my hosts. Swallow. “Delicious!” I proclaim. Satisfied, my hosts smile proudly and eat. I cut anther piece, pop it in my mouth and swallow it whole. This minimizes the time near anything like a taste bud and put it right into the reject hopper as fast as possible. Said hopper is going to fill fast and I am soon going to have a new, not entirely unexpected problem. This tastes as if I’m eating a vegetable filled Prada handbag, except without the deliciousness of the tanning acids. It is chewy beyond description, like that time I tried to eat a superball. I suspect though, this adventure will not end with as much grace as that one did (The official medical report used the phrase “passed harmlessly”).
“What’s in this?”, I ask with as much innocence as possible. I’m doing pretty well here and half of my head-size portion has disappeared from the plate, although my napkin is suspiciously bulky and stained with saumagen-like juices. Now is not the time to give up the game. “Sau means pig, right?” my host explains. I nod suggesting I had figured that much of it out, which honestly I hadn’t but could have based on my limited German. “And, Magen?” I prompt. My host looks to his friend and says,
“How you say totalishundtaglishaufgerfucked?”
“Stomach,”
Ut-oh.
“Wait,” I say. “Pig Stomach?”
“ja! It’s very high in protein! Actually it’s the second stomach where the vegetables are digested…”
I tune out after this point. ‘No wonder this was so chewy”, I think. ‘Well, I can’t lose the game now. I ate a goodly portion, I might as well finish it’.
“So this is like … haggis?”
“No, no, not so crude. We don’t empty the stomach so much as … truelyundcompletelyaufgerfucked… it”
“I see” I say, trying my level, Yankee best not to see at all…
I did not finish my meal, but did manage to remove more than 50% of it from my plate before claiming I was “stuffed”. The irony of this statement didn’t hit me until the car…
24 hours later, in the hotel men’s room
Mark: I didn’t eat corn or any other real vegetable this week. Just ‘kraut. … weird…. Don’t they feed all the corn and vegetables to … THE PIGS!!!???!!!
Mark
Cut back to 24 hours earlier
I have a big mouth that, one day soon, will be the end of me. To wit, I am in a German biergarten in the 1500-year-old city of Speyer. A beautiful city on the Rhine filled with history, architecture and well, German biegartens. I’m enjoying a wonderful pint of home brewed beer, interesting conversation, and it comes time to order some food. I brag that I always like to try a local dish when I am traveling. As always, the Imp of the Perverse hears me and prompts my hosts to say, “oh, well we have a wonderful regional dish that I think you’ll really enjoy. It’s called saumagen, and it’s delicious!”. Now I know that 98.8% of all German food is either sausages or chocolate (although I have yet to run into chocolate sausages…). Germans can make sausages out of anything; pigs, cows, lambs, chickens, ducks, bugs, apples, small churches etc. If Noah had it on the ark, the Germans later found it and ground it up for sausage. Fortunately, I can choke down almost any kind of sausage or sausage-related meat by product and feel pretty confident that I can handle this “saumagen” thing. “Is it a sausage?” I ask. “No,” comes the highly unexpected reply. “It is, how you say, a pan”. A pan??? Did they find some way of actually incorporating cookware into sausage form? My host makes a couple of signs with his hands and asks his companion, “How do you say aufgerfucked?” (He didn’t really say aufgerfucked, he said something else in German I didn’t catch/know. Aufgerfucked is, however, a more accurate term in my opinion”) “Patty”, came the reply. “Yes!, it is a patty”. Oh, okay, I think. I can eat a sausage patty. If Jimmy Dean can make them, I can eat them. When it comes time to order, I confidently tell the waitress, “Saumagen”. She looks incredulously at my hosts, who nod appreciatively and also order it. She looks back at me, clearly impressed. I suddenly realize I am in deep deep shit here. Impressing the waitress is *never* good.
2 beers and 20 minutes later, a steaming plate of saumagen and sauerkraut arrive. The ‘kraut is standard but good. As a youth with a polish grandmother, I have downed more cabbage products than any two Irishmen and more than most VFW fundraisers. Fine. Onto the saumagen. The disk of meat is about the size of my head and deeply pan fried. It looks pretty much like a Frisbee of fried meat-vomit, but not as appetizing. I cut off a piece, smile and pop it in my mouth. Chew, smile nod, chew smile nod as I look a my hosts. Swallow. “Delicious!” I proclaim. Satisfied, my hosts smile proudly and eat. I cut anther piece, pop it in my mouth and swallow it whole. This minimizes the time near anything like a taste bud and put it right into the reject hopper as fast as possible. Said hopper is going to fill fast and I am soon going to have a new, not entirely unexpected problem. This tastes as if I’m eating a vegetable filled Prada handbag, except without the deliciousness of the tanning acids. It is chewy beyond description, like that time I tried to eat a superball. I suspect though, this adventure will not end with as much grace as that one did (The official medical report used the phrase “passed harmlessly”).
“What’s in this?”, I ask with as much innocence as possible. I’m doing pretty well here and half of my head-size portion has disappeared from the plate, although my napkin is suspiciously bulky and stained with saumagen-like juices. Now is not the time to give up the game. “Sau means pig, right?” my host explains. I nod suggesting I had figured that much of it out, which honestly I hadn’t but could have based on my limited German. “And, Magen?” I prompt. My host looks to his friend and says,
“How you say totalishundtaglishaufgerfucked?”
“Stomach,”
Ut-oh.
“Wait,” I say. “Pig Stomach?”
“ja! It’s very high in protein! Actually it’s the second stomach where the vegetables are digested…”
I tune out after this point. ‘No wonder this was so chewy”, I think. ‘Well, I can’t lose the game now. I ate a goodly portion, I might as well finish it’.
“So this is like … haggis?”
“No, no, not so crude. We don’t empty the stomach so much as … truelyundcompletelyaufgerfucked… it”
“I see” I say, trying my level, Yankee best not to see at all…
I did not finish my meal, but did manage to remove more than 50% of it from my plate before claiming I was “stuffed”. The irony of this statement didn’t hit me until the car…
24 hours later, in the hotel men’s room
Mark
Thoughts while eating lunch in Germany
I once said, "I've never had a bad meal in Europe" now... This is the actual internal dialogue I had at lunch the other day with my German clients and coworkers.
That *really* doesn't look much like"1000 Island dressing", but I'll try it.
Christ that's a lot of pasta. Is there anything that doesn't have pasta in it??
Wow. While this is really horrible, I doubt it's actually poisonous
Oh, it's probably rude to throw up just now. Maybe I can hold it to the bathroom.
I just have to swallow this or my career is over.
Interesting, apparently the Germans spell the word "beef" the way we spell "chicken"
Note, no one actually forced me to get the sweet and sour chicken beef
This isn't pudding at all, it's gravy. I am eating gravy for dessert. Terrific .hmmm It's actually the best thing I've had all afternoon
That *really* doesn't look much like
Christ that's a lot of pasta. Is there anything that doesn't have pasta in it??
Oh, it's probably rude to throw up just now. Maybe I can hold it to the bathroom.
I just have to swallow this or my career is over.
Note, no one actually forced me to get the sweet and sour chicken beef
This isn't pudding at all, it's gravy. I am eating gravy for dessert. Terrific .hmmm It's actually the best thing I've had all afternoon
Sunday, June 12, 2005
In UK and Europe next week
Leaving tomorrow 6am, getting into London around 10pm GMT. Kind of cool really. I should be back on the weekend.
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