Otolaryngology II

I saw the Otolaryngologist on Friday. My hope was they could give me a pill and things would straighten themselves out. Having had this particular hope smashed like a Cadbury Orange at Christmas a number of times, I was prepared for something worse.

If I can get the picture off my cameraphone, I'll post it. The image is of the speech pathologist, a thin, blond, good looking , perky woman in her mid-20s, holding the device they are going to use to examine my throat. The device itself is gun-shaped, around three feet long, has several long cords coming out the back end (attaching to a card full of monitors and power supplies) and something that looks like a drain snake in front. She is dressed in goggles and a white lab coat, her right hand firmly grasping the back of the device while the business end rests easily in her left. She looks, for all the world, like something out of a Ghostbusters movie.

"Hey, you look like a Ghostbuster!" I mention cheerfully.
"Hmm.. I suppose so.", she replies distractedly, adjusting nobs and dials on the device.

It's at this point I look around and notice all the laser warning signs. There are lots of them. I've done a lot for work with lasers over the years, so I'm very familiar with the signs. Like smokers are with the labels on packs of cigarettes. One reassuring says: "Warning! Neon/Helium laser 4mw cw". Which is about right for a NeHe. For reasons I won't go into, I'm fond of NeHes in the way that a lot of people are fond of certain breeds of dogs. A comfortable, warm fondness for years gone by and knowing exactly what to expect. In the case of a NeHe, it's like a small, mixed breed puppy giving me an "aw, isn’t that cute" kind of nostalgia. Then I read the line below it, it's apparently a mixed mode device. Now that I think about it, why does a NeHe need a power supply the size of a minivan... "Warning! Carbon Dioxide laser, 30W cw". Holy Fucking Shit! The owners of the puppy, while I was reaching down to pet it, let the rotweiler out! I read it 3 times to make sure I got it right... 30 fucking watts!!! This bad boy is serious. For reference, you need about 8w to set paper on fire or burn wood (it's very slightly more complicated than that, but unless you're a astrophysicist with a particularly prickly stick up your ass, you don't care.). 30 W will punch a hole right through you, your chair, the wall behind you and so on into space where, in 2000 or so years it reaches the Crab Nebula and blinds someone. Don't look directly into the beam my ass. Thus begins this internal dialogue "So this thing really is a Ghostbuster gun ,huh? Wow. Continuous Wave too (cw). That's really one angry, kick ass piece of equipment. What would they need all that power for? Especially at continuous wave? They told me the device goes into my nose and....

" Jesus Godfuck Mc Christ!!! They are going to use the laser to DRILL!! Drill in my head!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

but what I say is,

Mark (out loud)"Is this going to hurt?"
Blondy: "Oh yes!"
Mark (to self)"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Mark (out loud)"a lot?"
Blondy: "No, not a lot. It just feels weird. It's a little uncomfortable having this up your nose like that, and it stings quite a bit, but mostly it's weird."
Mark: "what are all the lasers for?"
Blondy:"??"
Mark: "That one there (pointing at the rotweiler)"
Blondy: "Oh, that's for surgery"
Mark: "Surgery? Not drilling?"
Blondy:"?? Drilling? no. what would we need to drill??"
Mark (out loud)"I don't know"...
Mark (to self)" Ahhhh. You know, I'm really quite a moron"


Things went fine after that. It was weird and uncomfortable, but nothing once you've been tasered for 2 hours. Upshot: You know that acid reflux disease they use to hawk zantex? Well it turns out it's real and actually fairly serious. It seems I have it. Apparently the brain worms re-wired the timing of the muscles in my throat and they have been unable to heal because I have this reflux disease, constantly throwing acid up into my larynx. Add to this the fact the brain worms also seem to have given me a hyperactive gag-reflex (no comments), the result is choking fits every time I get acid up in that part of my throat.

End result: They gave me a pill. They'll check again in 3 months to see if I made any progress. :) I'm very happy I can take a pill and make it better, but secretly, I wanted to see the CO2 laser fire up...