Frozen Underwear and Other Parodies

This was over at Something Awful, but picked up by Wonkette.

Odd and just short of amusing (unless you're like totally a 14 year-old. If so, subsitutue out Cheney and put in your Math teacher's name. Bush? Biology. Rumsfled? Oh he's the gym teacher.)

Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he's gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.

President Bush, when dining at the white-house, does not eat any item of food which has not been first sniffed by a trained dog before being prepared. Think about that.

Word among the staff is that Cheney was drunk when he shot that lawyer, and secluded himself for a day to sober up and avoid felony firearms charges. I don’t have any direct information on this because the guys with him at the time are not talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible.

There's not really a doubt in my mind that at least some of the factinos are true, but (shrugs) who really gives a rat's ass if Cheney's breath is bad.


Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.

And, most creepy...

The white house lawn is mowed every other day by the same man humming the same tune.

ahhhh!! And if you say Condi Rice three times in front of the mirror and step backward, she will appear and bite your head off with her horrible alien matnis head!


Kos also repeats this, along with comments from SA, but has the taste to refrain from piling on.
Mostly.