Foot Shoot for Programmers

From a former intern at CertCo (now a successful real-estate tycoon).

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> Shoot Yourself in the
> Foot in Any Programming Language
>
> The proliferation of modern programming languages
> (all of which seem to have
> stolen countless features from one another)
> sometimes makes it difficult to
> remember what language you're currently using. This
> guide is offered as a
> public service to help programmers who find
> themselves in such dilemmas.
>
> C
> You shoot yourself in the foot.
>
> C++
> You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself
> and shoot them all in the
> foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
> impossible since you can't
> tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
> pointing at others and
> saying, "That's me, over there."
>
> JAVA
> After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and
> java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and
> writing the classes and methods of those classes
> needed, you've forgotten
> what the hell you're doing.
>
> Ruby
> Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five
> minutes, but you just can't
> find anywhere to shoot it.
>
> PHP
> You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with
> pieces from 300 other
> guns.
>
> ASP.NET
> Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it
> falls apart again. You
> try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You
> stab yourself in the foot
> instead.
>
> SQL
> SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger =
> 'PULLED';
> INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);
>
> Perl
> You start shooting yourself in the foot, but you
> lose the gun.
>
> Javascript
> YOu've perfected a robust, rich user experience for
> shooting yourself in the
> foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on
> your gun.
>
> CSS
> You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch
> hands to shoot your
> left foot but you realize that the gun has turned
> into a banana.
>
> FORTRAN
> You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until
> you run out of toes, then
> you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
> of bullets, you
> continue anyway because you have no
> exception-handling ability.
>
> Modula2
> After realizing that you can't actually accomplish
> anything in this
> language, you shoot yourself in the head.
>
> COBOL
> Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN
> place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on
> HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
> HOLSTER. CHECK whether
> shoelace needs to be retied.
>
> LISP
> You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
> gun with which
> you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
> gun with which
> you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
> gun with which
> you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
> gun with which
> you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ..
>
> BASIC
> Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On
> big systems, continue
> until entire lower body is waterlogged.
>
> FORTH
> Foot in yourself shoot.
>
> APL
> You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day
> figuring out how to do it
> in fewer characters.
>
> Pascal
> The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the
> foot.
>
> SNOBOL
> If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
> If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
>
> Concurrent Euclid
> You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
>
> HyperTalk
> Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the
> left leg of you.
> Answer the result.
>
> Motif
> You spend days writing a UIL description of your
> foot, the trajectory, the
> bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
> handles of the gun. When
> you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the
> gun jams.
>
> Unix
> % ls
> foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
> % rm * .o
> rm: .o: No such file or directory
> % ls
> %
>
> Paradox
> Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your
> users can too.
>
> Revelation
> You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as
> soon as you figure out
> what all these bullets are for.
>
> Visual Basic
> You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have
> so much fun doing it that
> you won't care.
>
> Prolog
> You tell your program you want to be shot in the
> foot. The program figures
> out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to
> explain.
>
> Ada
> After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to
> concurrently load the
> gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in
> the foot. When you try,
> however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong
> type.
>
> Assembly
> You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to
> discover you must first
> reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After
> that's done, you pull the
> trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.
>
> 370 JCL
> You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page
> document explaining how you
> want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
> comes back deep-fried.
>