True Tales of Customer Service

Wednesday 2pm:

Comcast: Hello, Comcast Cable, my name is Raj, how may I help you.
Mark: Hi Raj, my internet and cable are out.
C: I'm sorry sir, what's your home number.
M:[tells him]
C: I see. And you're at [Address]
M: Yup.
C: hmm... there are no outages in your area. What seems to be the problem?
M: The internet is off and the TV only has the show information, but no show. It's showing the "wait just a minute" sign.
C: So it's all snowy?
M: ... ???... no, it's got all the show info. The picture is steady, just no program.
C: But no snow?
M: no.
C: That's impossible.
M: ...!!!... [po-lite-ly] No, it's obviously NOT impossible Raj, I'm looking at it.
C: Yes, sir, well I'm not showing any outages in your area.
M: [waits]
M:[waits] and...
C: Well we could send someone over, but I suspect it will fix itself.
M: [contemplates this new, obviously smurf-based technology] How about if we go for the "send someone over option"
C: Okay sir, how does [gives a bunch of highly inconvienient times]
M: [pretending to think about it while contemplating exactly how much I actually do or don't need cable...] Well, I don't think1AM tomorrow night is going to work for me, Raj. How about if we go for tomorrow afternoon between 3pm and 5pm?
C: Great. We'll call you 30 minutes before.
M: Please call me on my cell. The phone will be tied up with my dial-up connection.
C: Okay, what's the number?
M: [tells him]
C: Great. Is there anything else I can do for you.
M: [Like what? Is this really a time where you think you can successfully upsell more services? Jesus Fucking Christ! What's wrong with you? You want to do something? Fix my damn cable!]
No, that's it.
C: Thanks.

Thursday, 5:15 pm
Comcast: Hello, Comcast Cable, my name is Raj, how may I help you.
M: Hello Raj, my name is Mark, I called yesterday about getting my service repaired.
C: Great. Can I get your number?
M:[Great?][tells him number]C: I see. And you're at [Address]M: Yup.
C: When was your appointment?
M: Between 3pm and 5pm today. It's 5:15 and I want to make sure he was still coming.
C: Let's see here... Oh! ... yes there is an appointment. I'm sure he'll be along soon.
M: Okay thanks.
C: Great. Is there anything else I can do for you.
M: No.

Thursday 6:45pm

Comcast: Hello, Comcast Cable, my name is David, how may I help you.
Mark: [with a voice in which one can actually hear the sound of nailheads being chewed] Hello David. My name is Mark and I have been waiting for a repairman for 4 hours.
C: oh! Let me get your information.
M: [gives info]
C: Let's see... oh, the appointment's been canceled.
M: [incredulous]WHAT?!!!
C: Let me check the notes
M:[waits] [waits] [waits]Hello?
C: Still here. I'm just trying to track down the repair guy.
M: Why was the appointment cancelled?
C: I don't know sir. Where you there?
M: Yes, for almost 4 hours.
C: Ah, the notes have come up. It says here he called and no one answered.
M:[Pissed] What number did he call?
C:[reads off home number]
M: [calmly] THATS THE WRONG NUMBER!!! I SPECIFICALLY gave Raj my cell so this would not happen!!! Jesus McFuck!
C: ....
C: ... Let me see if I can get the tech to come over right away.
M: Thanks.
M:[waits]
C: [with the care of a man using an old cardboard tube to detect mines in a large wet field]Sir? The tech is off duty now. Can we schedule a time tomorrow?
M: Fine. [ you could actually hear the period at the end]
C: How does 12-4pm tomorrow work?
M: Not well. I've already wasted 2 days with this, I cannot take more time off work!
C:[I found a mine! Quick, get in there!] Does 4 to 7 work for you?
M: That works, thanks.
C: [relief] Let me get you a confirmation number.
C: Sir, while I wait for number, can I make sure I have your cell phone?
M: Sure it's [cell number]
C: Let me read that back, [cell number]
M: That's right.
C:[the voice of a man watching his now wet cardboard tube unravel while simultaneously realizing the field also has wolves in addition to mines] Sir? That time doesn't work now. Can we pick another?
M:[silence] ... [silence] ... fine.
C: How does 7pm-9pm work.
M: [growing impatient, yet beginning to be fascinated about how wrong this is going] That's fine.
C: Let me double check your cell number. Is it [cell number]
M: That's right. Thanks for double checking
C:[the wolves are retreating from the field] No Problem Sir! I just want to make sure...
M: yes?
C:[realizes the wolves were leaving the field because the field is actually infested with Snakes] That time has also been taken.
M: You don't say?
C: [pokes his wilted cardboard tube at the ground, shuts eyes, repents]. Sir, could 9am -11am tomorrow work?
M:[having passed into amusement] As long as it's over by 11am. I'm having lunch with the French Ambassador and he doesn't like tardiness.
C: Yes sir. [steps on the spot ahead of him... foot lower... lower...)Let me get the confirmation number. And your cell phone is [cell number]
M: Yes it is [waiting to see how this goes wrong]
C:[surprise! joy!] And your number is 91516621!
M:[very slightly disappointed] Thanks.
C: Is there anything else I can do for you?
M:[in my best 'you've got to be kidding voice'] I doubt it.
C: Have a great night!
M: Thanks.

Thursday, 9:10pm

Jim: There's a comcast truck outside.
Mark: Really?
Jim: Yes, wait ... there's two now.
Mark: hahahahahahahahhaha
Jim: Why is that funny?

Friday, 5:45 am
Mark: Hey, the internet is working again.
Jim: Good. I guess it did fix itself.