Sunday, August 19, 2007

Employee Evaluations

I once wrote the shortest, cruelest, employee evaluation ever. It was for an older employee who was trying to "break into" the software programming business at age 60. After a year of futile attempts to write programs, he came up for evaluation. The sum total of my comments follows, verbatim:


----- Original Message -----
Sent: Friday, August 17, 2007 7:50 PM
Subject: FW: Evals
Date: Mon, 13 Aug 2007 09:56:49 -0700F
These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee >performance>evaluations...
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has>started to dig."
>>2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>>3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
>>4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a>trap."
>>5. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
>>6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>>7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve>them."
>>8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>>9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
>>10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all tog>ether."
>>11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
>>12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
>>13. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
>>14. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
>>15. "He's been working with glue too much."
>>16. "He would argue with a sign post."
>>17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
>>18. "One neuron short of a synapse."
>>19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
>>20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
>>21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
>>22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
>>23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
>>24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
>>25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
>>26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get c hange.">
>27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
>>28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
>>29. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
>>30. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."