Geoff and I were on the phone last night and we filled out this Scientology questionare together. I can't honestly say which of us came up with what part, and there is a second section I'll post tomorrow.
• Have you ever used criminality as a means of control of a population?
Is it a crime to fart in Howard Johnsons? If so, then yes.
• Have you ever made sanity appear to be psychotic?
Its one of the things I do best.
• Have you ever been a psychiatrist?
No, but why do people keep asking me that?
• Have you ever depopulated an area?
Yes, once in a Howard Johnsons.
• Have you ever deprived another of a livelihood?
Well, I wouldn’t call it her livelihood but I did once turn the fire hoses onto the stage of a lesbian poetry slam, which pretty much shut down the young poet rapping about her “clam”. I was cheered.
• Have you ever given God a bad name?
Only when I make prank calls in his name
• Have you ever been a corrupt priest?
I’m a minister, not a priest.
• Have you ever given spirits an evil reputation?
Yes, but no one seems to stop paying up, so its all good.
• Have you ever been an evil spirit?
Evil genius, yes, evil spirit … well… I have to say no although I do spread a “stench of evil” (as the Amish have taken to calling it). I don’t think that counts though.
• Have you ever sought to convince others that things were evil?
Yes, such things include: Pauly Shore movies, and Scientology
• Have you ever taught others that nothing can be done?
No, but I lead by example, hopefully someone will catch on.
• Have you ever tried to convince others that knowing is bad? That perceiving is bad? That sensation is bad?
Yes, usually when I give them bad news, I always end it with “now would be better off not knowing this?”
• Have you ever deliberately caused a sane person to be committed to a mental institution?
Oh Mom, stop telling the nurses that or it’s more ECT for you!
• Have you ever performed unnecessary surgery on someone's body?
Yes, but just to get to the candy center.
• Have you ever tried to convince others that things are bad? That there are bad beingnesses? That it is bad to do things?
beingesses? Isn’t that Gollum’s name for the Baggins clan? I don’t need to teach them things are bad, I have a much subtler trick. I teach them to read.
• Have you ever mocked another's ability?
I’d hardly call “being the best powerpoint deck maker in FSG” an “ability” so much as a cause for deep, deep shame.
• Have you ever mocked another's knowingness?
Knowingness?? Where the hell are you getting these words? Keep in mind stupidity can’t be copyrighted.
• Have you ever mocked another's creativeness?
Do you mean creativity? You should maybe increase your wordknowingness, or maybe your proofreadingness.
• Have you ever applied a hot iron to another person's body?
Only for money. And that one time for a donut.
• Have you ever tortured another with electrical, or electronic, devices?
MP3 of Shatner singing “Rocketman”, does that count?
• Have you ever attacked others for causing effects that you secretly knew were beneficial, or helpful?
I work for Microsoft, that’s in my job description.
• Have you ever deliberately caused others to feel less responsible?
No, usually I’m the cause for more responsibility
• Have you ever starved anyone to death?
No, I usually fatten them up, then send hungry dogs after them.
• Have you ever left anyone to die of thirst?
No he had water, now if only he had the will to unbury the rest of his body to get it.
• Have you ever misestimated an effort?
Misestimated??? Holy shit, do you have your own language or something over there? Yes, I have. I am filled with misestimatedness.
• Have you ever misjudged another?
My judgements are always correct regardless of the turnout.
• Have you ever failed to save someone from drowning?
Technically, when there is that much vomit involved, it’s suffocation.
• Have you ever knowingly sponsored a swindle?
Umm.. Microsoft, remember?
• Have you ever failed another?
another what? Are you asking me if I am imbued with failedness?
• Have you ever retreated from an area where you should have stayed, or advanced?
I was once chased from a Howard Johnsons by a bunch of angry Amish on “All You Can Eat Chili Day”. That was a kind of retreat because I was still hungry.
• Have you ever made nothing of a worthy person? Of a group? Of a universe? Of a spirit?
It’s impossible to make nothing.
• Have you ever broken someone's body on a wheel?
Not on a wheel, no, but under several wheels, yes. With Aquatreads™.
• Have you ever stretched another's body on a rack?
No, but I did try to stretch some silly putty on a spice rack once, does that count?
• Have you ever put a criminal in a position of trust?
No, I vote generally for democrats.
• Have you ever sold people on the idea that people are basically wicked?
Yes, we meet every Friday.
• Have you ever boiled someone's living body in oil?
Yes, and with viniger! She was an epilleptic and we were tryiing to make somethign called "Seizure Salad". I don't think we got it right though...
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes, ever heard of the Giraffeabear? Thought not, you know why…yo.
• Have you ever let your past triumphs discourage you about your future?
no I use them to enforce the fact that I am incredibly awesome.
• Have you ever flayed anyone alive?
No, all my flayings have been on dead people
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Its more of a side-business, but I dabble.
• Have you ever done a bad thing to win approval?
Only from the cool kids.
• Have you ever been a dishonest policeman?
maybe in a past life, which would explain why I’m so good at beating people with a nightstick
• Have you ever run a brothel?
Run? No. Play landlord to, yes!
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
I did, but I dumped it in the river shortly after finding out.
• Have you ever produced a bastard?
Is a "bastard" a kind of fart? If so, then yes, probably.
• Have you employed poison gas against life forms?
I am not allowed to return to any Howard Johnson’s in North America for the rest of my natural life or my bail monies would be forfeit. And besides, the chili there wasn’t *that* good.
.
• Have you ever taught that it was bad for people to have things?
Yes, especially when I want them to give them to me.
• Have you ever made a body disappear?
Depends, you need one to?
• Have you ever desecrated burial places?
No, better play it safe in case the zombies rise and attack.
• Have you ever denied anyone a desired beingness?
Oh here we go again with the made up words…
• Have you ever caused another being to create against his own wishes or interests?
Well there is that sweatshop I own, but if they didn’t want to be there, then why are they chained to the tables?
• Have you ever created an affect for which there was no apparent cause?
Every single one of my effects have cause
• Have you ever interiorized a being into a machine?
I called him Sir Jeeves, and he was my butler. Before that he was a construction worker or something
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